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Jokes
Apr 6, 2017 18:19:56 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 6, 2017 18:19:56 GMT -8
North Dakota Bank Robbery A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment�s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2017 7:18:00 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 11, 2017 7:18:00 GMT -8
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
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Jokes
Apr 15, 2017 7:01:23 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 15, 2017 7:01:23 GMT -8
----------------- Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law." Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law." The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."
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Jokes
Apr 20, 2017 5:42:12 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 20, 2017 5:42:12 GMT -8
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation. Excuse me sir, but you seem to be a serious man. Is something bothering you? Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature. The young lady looked at his awards and declarations and said, it looks like you have seen a lot of action. Yes ma'am, a lot of action. The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation said, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself. The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, you know, I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, but when Is the last time that you had sex? 1955 ma'am, Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out. I mean no sex since 1955. She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him. Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955. The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not, it's only 2130 now.
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Jokes
Apr 21, 2017 5:42:02 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 21, 2017 5:42:02 GMT -8
Old Goat Quiz Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd. Which of the following names are you familiar with? 1. Monica Lewinsky 2. Spiro Agnew 3. Benito Mussolini 4. Adolf Hitler 5. Jorge Bergoglio 6. Alfonse Capone 7. Vladimir Putin 8. Linda Lovelace 9. Saddam Hussein 10. Tiger Woods You had trouble with #5, didn't you? You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?? Lovely, just lovely... Sometimes I worry about you......
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Jokes
Apr 21, 2017 7:12:06 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 21, 2017 7:12:06 GMT -8
Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades.* *Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. * *Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. * *One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ....* *I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!* *I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.* *Please tell me what your name is.. * *His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him.**Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2017 4:08:06 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 25, 2017 4:08:06 GMT -8
----------------------------- Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2017 11:46:26 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 25, 2017 11:46:26 GMT -8
New United Airlines Motto’s: “Drag and Drop” “We put the hospital in hospitality” “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient” “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can” “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class” “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating” “We treat you like we treat your luggage” “We beat the customer. Not the competition” “And you thought leg room was an issue” “Where voluntary is mandatory” “Fight or flight. We decide” “Now offering one free carry off” “Beating random customers since 2017” “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet” “A bloody good airline”
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Jokes
Apr 27, 2017 15:48:31 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 27, 2017 15:48:31 GMT -8
So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and a mop."
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Jokes
May 2, 2017 6:37:39 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 2, 2017 6:37:39 GMT -8
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom" Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
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Jokes
May 2, 2017 9:04:08 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 2, 2017 9:04:08 GMT -8
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Jokes
May 4, 2017 5:16:14 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 4, 2017 5:16:14 GMT -8
Some sophisticated observations offered by our sports heroes: Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said : “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.” "Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.”- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach "Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver. "I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."- Doug Sanders, professional golfer "All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher "When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver "I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad I'm having them."- Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager "My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations "My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.” – Vic Braden, tennisinstructor "When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."- Tommy John , N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery "I don't know I only played there for nine years."- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles. "We were tipping off our plays Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” - John Breen, Houston Oilers "The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons. When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher "I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner. “Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon. "I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."- Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach "I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game "I tell him "Attaway to hit, George."- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting. "I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers "Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores. "The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coa --In golf, as in life, it is the follow through that makes the difference
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Jokes
May 8, 2017 16:57:10 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 8, 2017 16:57:10 GMT -8
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, it's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax...
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
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Jokes
May 20, 2017 2:49:15 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 20, 2017 2:49:15 GMT -8
Norweigan Math Test
Got to be from Minna soda to appreciate this....Verks 4 me.
Ole, a Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire him, so he says he won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Witout numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.
What's this?' the boss asks. Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time represent the number 99.' The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go!'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'You must be from Iowa …Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go! Von hundred!'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Norwegian winces and shakes his head…UFF-DAH…you must be a Finlander from Iowa…he leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred !! So, ven do I start?
Have a Great Day!
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Jokes
May 21, 2017 5:57:05 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 21, 2017 5:57:05 GMT -8
An Irishman's first drink with his son While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so $#!+-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
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Jokes
May 23, 2017 9:00:15 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 23, 2017 9:00:15 GMT -8
A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh?
Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
" Well, I probably wouldn't."
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies,
"Because you're at Home Depot."
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May 26, 2017 15:57:52 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 26, 2017 15:57:52 GMT -8
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming... One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind. "But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God-forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should...well.. You know... Screw her?" "Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer
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Jun 2, 2017 12:55:46 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jun 2, 2017 12:55:46 GMT -8
THE NIGHT LIGHT A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Larry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife. "Bonnie," he says, "Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Bonnie. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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Jun 5, 2017 17:26:56 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jun 5, 2017 17:26:56 GMT -8
------------------------------------- Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying. "Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena. "I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!" Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again. "Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?" asked Lena. "Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"
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Jun 11, 2017 7:42:04 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jun 11, 2017 7:42:04 GMT -8
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.....Hi, we're whhores!, want to have some fun?". "Thats obscene," the priest exclaimed, but then he thought for a moment..."You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your little problem. It so happens that I have two male talking parrots of my own, whom I've taught to read the bible and pray. Why don't you bring the little buggers over, and we'll put 'em in with my parrots, Moses and Job. I bet they can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots will surely stop with the dirty talk in no time." Why thank you father," the woman responded, "This just might do the trick".
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priests house. As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and put her females in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi we're whhores! Do you want a have some fun?!" There was stunned silence. Finally one male parrot looked at the other and exclaimed, "Put the fukkking beads away Moses, our prayers have been answered!!!
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