|
Jokes
Aug 15, 2017 5:35:32 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 15, 2017 5:35:32 GMT -8
An old helicopter pilot walked into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana, looking for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and instructs the old pilot to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When the barber finished, the old pilot says this was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball. “That’s no problem,” the barber replied. “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 19, 2017 8:27:51 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 19, 2017 8:27:51 GMT -8
OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 12, 2017 9:46:33 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 12, 2017 9:46:33 GMT -8
MARIJUANA and MARRIAGE in Washington State… On a single day, Washington State recently passed two laws. They are: 1. Legalized gay marriage, and 2. Legalized marijuana. Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day now makes perfect Biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 17, 2017 7:25:11 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 17, 2017 7:25:11 GMT -8
A PROPER WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 18, 2017 18:04:57 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 18, 2017 18:04:57 GMT -8
THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table! Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares:
"Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 18, 2017 18:26:49 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 18, 2017 18:26:49 GMT -8
THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table! Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares:
"Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 18, 2017 18:27:03 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 18, 2017 18:27:03 GMT -8
Not PC, but funny anyway! 😄 ________________________________________
"LEROY" A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"
'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Leroy' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'
In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 25, 2017 12:20:28 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 25, 2017 12:20:28 GMT -8
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!"
Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"
After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman.
>With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass and cool off!"
Kinda brings a tear to your eyes.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 30, 2017 4:54:18 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 30, 2017 4:54:18 GMT -8
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost … it's a man thing. When you have stopped, laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 30, 2017 8:33:14 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 30, 2017 8:33:14 GMT -8
1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. Ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago," 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
|
|