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Jokes
Feb 25, 2017 7:56:42 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 25, 2017 7:56:42 GMT -8
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
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Jokes
Feb 25, 2017 8:41:31 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 25, 2017 8:41:31 GMT -8
--------------------------------- Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day." Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?" Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."
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Jokes
Feb 27, 2017 16:10:42 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 27, 2017 16:10:42 GMT -8
THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
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Jokes
Feb 28, 2017 9:34:35 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 28, 2017 9:34:35 GMT -8
A senior citizen named Joe was driving down the freeway, and his car phone rang.* *Answering, he heard his wife Doris' voice urgently warning him, 'Joe, I just heard on the news that there's a car* *going the wrong way on Interstate 75. Please be careful!'* *'Heck,' said Joe, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'**
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Jokes
Mar 1, 2017 19:09:20 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 1, 2017 19:09:20 GMT -8
Senior Trying To Set A Password WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDon' tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiled CabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDo ntGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Jokes
Mar 6, 2017 5:26:29 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 6, 2017 5:26:29 GMT -8
Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live". Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon a heavenly aroma came from the kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! "Lena must really love me" he thought. Ole went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie. Lena slapped his hand away and said "Get avay! Dese cookies aren't for you, der for da funeral!"
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Jokes
Mar 7, 2017 10:25:40 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 7, 2017 10:25:40 GMT -8
Sexy wins every time....
A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.
The old man was visibly upset.
He spoke to the salesman sharply.
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there." "And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said.
"I told you I could get him to lower the price.... see you later Dad".
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Jokes
Mar 9, 2017 7:44:44 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 9, 2017 7:44:44 GMT -8
• The president of Mexico has canceled his planned visit to the United States due to the announcement about the border wall. When Donald Trump heard that the Mexican president was not coming, he said, “See, the wall’s working already.”
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2017 7:50:01 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 12, 2017 7:50:01 GMT -8
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know $#!+?" And then she went back to reading her book.
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2017 16:12:21 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 12, 2017 16:12:21 GMT -8
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper "Hello ?" 'Is your daddy home?' ' Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' May I talk with him?' The child whispered,' No .' So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes she's out in the garden too' The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again, 'No' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes, whispered the child, ' a policeman. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, He's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ''A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '
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Jokes
Mar 14, 2017 7:01:14 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 14, 2017 7:01:14 GMT -8
THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real! AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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Post by bio71 on Mar 14, 2017 20:15:41 GMT -8
When you’re over seventy; who cares. www.plovervfw.org/VFW-Scholarships-and-New-Officers-2016-011.jpg I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you. " Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re over seventy...............who cares? ********** I went to the drug store and told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you’re over seventy..............who cares? *********** I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares? ********** I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares? ********* I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re over seventy...............who cares? ********** I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2017 6:26:06 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 19, 2017 6:26:06 GMT -8
The Selfless Irish
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man...air passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.� Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners.
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2017 9:29:03 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 21, 2017 9:29:03 GMT -8
A New Zealand couple travel frequently to some of the more rural courses around the country. Playing at the Eketahuna municipal course, on the 14th tee box (360 yards, dogleg left, copse of trees in the dogleg), he tees off, 220 yards, left of the fairway, blocked from the green by the trees. She tees off, 210 yards, mid-fairway. They walk from the tee box. Harriet: that's a tough lie you have, Matt. Matt: I can see that. Harriet: how are you going to play that lie? Matt, eyeballing Harriet: I don't know, dear, I'm just looking at it now. Harriet: Oh, look, honey, there's an old outbuilding just behind the trees. If I open the front doors of the building, and opened the back doors, you can hit right through the building to the green, and don't have to hit around the trees. Matt, eyebrows raised, reappraising his lie: Gee, you might be right. Perhaps I can do that. Harriet goes around and opens the front doors the building, comes back around and opens the back doors. Matt takes out a six iron, hits the ball, bounces it off a rafter, back at Harriet, who takes it on the forehead and drops dead. Two years later, Matt is back in Eketahuna playing the same course. Back on the 14th tee box, he hits the same drive. Ron, his mate, hits at 240, mid-fairway, and they begin walking toward their balls (excuse the wording). Ron: Say, Matt, that's a tough lie you've got. Matt: Yes, I can see that, Ron. Ron: How do you want to play that? Matt: Well, Ron, I don't know, I'm just looking it over now. Ron: Hey! Matt, look, there's an old outbuilding there in the rough behind the trees. If I open the front doors of that building, and then open the back doors. Matt: No, no, $#!+, last time I tried that, I took an eight on this hole.
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2017 7:58:40 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 30, 2017 7:58:40 GMT -8
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2017 16:37:04 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 31, 2017 16:37:04 GMT -8
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."
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Jokes
Apr 1, 2017 9:01:18 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 1, 2017 9:01:18 GMT -8
----------------------------------------- Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him. There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out. Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Pa?" Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in der."
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2017 13:57:19 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 2, 2017 13:57:19 GMT -8
----------------------------------- A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Vy sure," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?" "Norvay," replies the second man. The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay." Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?" "Bergen," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen." Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?" "On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man. "Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
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Jokes
Apr 4, 2017 7:52:26 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 4, 2017 7:52:26 GMT -8
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
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Jokes
Apr 6, 2017 6:02:23 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 6, 2017 6:02:23 GMT -8
Mary checked into the Starlight motel on her 65th Birthday. She was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.” She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?”
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?”
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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