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Jokes
Mar 12, 2016 7:54:36 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 12, 2016 7:54:36 GMT -8
After a very long deployment at sea, the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at Hampton Roads when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT (FF) and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT (EF)." Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!" "Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?" "Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to Eat First!"
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2016 15:52:42 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 16, 2016 15:52:42 GMT -8
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this post; his talent and energy are simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
The retiring colonel barks: "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." Smithers responds, "Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." Here the colonel interrupted, and said. "Yes, yes; never mind all of that Smithers. Your new CO can find all that in your file; tell him about the day you called the witch doctor amothertrucker."
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Jokes
Mar 17, 2016 10:46:15 GMT -8
Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Mar 17, 2016 10:46:15 GMT -8
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2016 7:08:08 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 20, 2016 7:08:08 GMT -8
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2016 7:25:10 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 20, 2016 7:25:10 GMT -8
The Hypnotist at a Senior's Home It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "$#!+" said Claude. It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Center. And, Claude was never invited back again.
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2016 12:57:58 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 21, 2016 12:57:58 GMT -8
Wife Missing Here is a guy reporting to the police that his wife is missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point, the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2016 15:59:02 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 23, 2016 15:59:02 GMT -8
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ------------------------------------- An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." --------------------------------------------- Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda. No. In fact, he got out three times to pee." --------------------------------------------------------- Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that is terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he request, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun…'" -------------------------------------------- A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2016 16:17:35 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 23, 2016 16:17:35 GMT -8
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag but......I finished my14-day diet in just 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being over 50. I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2016 17:30:22 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 23, 2016 17:30:22 GMT -8
*TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR*
*Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says: 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'*
*The other woman responds proudly: 'Yes, I sure am!'*
*The first one says: 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'*
*The other woman answers: 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'*
*The first one responds: 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'*
*The other woman says: 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'*
*The first one says: 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'*
*The other woman answers: 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'*
*The first one gets really excited and says: 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'*
*The other woman answers: 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'*
*The first woman exclaims: 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'*
*About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.*
*Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters: 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'*
*Michael asks: 'Why do you say that, Brian?'*
*Brian answers: ......... 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'*
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2016 8:36:33 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 2, 2016 8:36:33 GMT -8
Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The King was polite and considerate and replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And
besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day.
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Jokes
Apr 13, 2016 15:43:38 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 13, 2016 15:43:38 GMT -8
A cowboy appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit," St. Peter asked?
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I ordered them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face; kicked his bike over; ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll kick the $#!+ out of all of you!'"
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"'Couple of minutes ago!"
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Jokes
Apr 14, 2016 8:16:15 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 14, 2016 8:16:15 GMT -8
Fear of Flying There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the woman. Read more at www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Joke-of-the-Day/Daily-Joke.aspx#THL1QHqvg6CxxKO3.99
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Jokes
Apr 16, 2016 7:51:39 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 16, 2016 7:51:39 GMT -8
Strong Medicine for the Nun Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse." The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups." Read more at www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Joke-of-the-Day/Daily-Joke.aspx#S9vFrY3X0ZtWwfgV.99
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2016 17:01:55 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 25, 2016 17:01:55 GMT -8
What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
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Post by Fishn'Aztec on Apr 25, 2016 17:07:10 GMT -8
UNC & NCAA punishment! There's a joke for you!
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Jokes
May 3, 2016 5:47:25 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 3, 2016 5:47:25 GMT -8
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa.”
Never mess with the elderly!!
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Jokes
May 10, 2016 11:40:21 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 10, 2016 11:40:21 GMT -8
*Insanity in RETIREMENT...* 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down!
2. On all your cheque stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5. Sing along at The Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
*/And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite.../*
10. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
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Jokes
May 14, 2016 7:22:16 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 14, 2016 7:22:16 GMT -8
This really hits a soft spot!!
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, " Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
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Jokes
May 21, 2016 11:44:54 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 21, 2016 11:44:54 GMT -8
Critical Thinking At Its Best! Woman: Do you play golf ? Man: Yes Woman: How many times a week? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per round? Man: Usually about $35.00 which includes lunch. (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been playing? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a round costs $35.00 and you have 3 rounds a week which puts your spending each month at about $450.00 . In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't play so much golf, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you play golf? Woman: No. Man: Where's your Ferrari?
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Jokes
Jun 4, 2016 6:17:57 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jun 4, 2016 6:17:57 GMT -8
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! " Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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