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Post by aztecwin on Oct 24, 2009 7:06:43 GMT -8
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
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Post by aztecwin on Oct 25, 2009 6:36:08 GMT -8
Mike the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was Old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning Mike noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The Pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer Mike's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Old Butch the No-Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a serious Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.*
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Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Oct 30, 2009 7:57:52 GMT -8
Political Joke...
The Republican healthcare option. Or lack of. ;D
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Post by aztecwin on Nov 1, 2009 17:16:43 GMT -8
"As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials."
Newt Gingrich
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Post by aztecwin on Nov 1, 2009 17:17:07 GMT -8
The $50 Lesson
I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed.
“Wow…what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Independent Party.”
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me. Made my day!
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Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Nov 2, 2009 9:00:41 GMT -8
"Republican Independent Party" There's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.
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Post by aztecwin on Nov 11, 2009 14:40:04 GMT -8
CONSERVATIVE
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a nonbeliever, he doesn't go to church. A liberal nonbeliever wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed. If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
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Post by aztecwin on Dec 7, 2009 16:29:05 GMT -8
Local News Flash
The Corpus Christi, Texas Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive liquor consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama for President in 2008 t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
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Post by aztecwin on Feb 11, 2010 13:12:32 GMT -8
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.
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Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Feb 11, 2010 13:53:29 GMT -8
LOL
I guess that makes me one too. ;D
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Post by aztecwin on Feb 11, 2010 18:41:50 GMT -8
LOL I guess that makes me one too. ;D Have we found common ground?
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Post by aztecwin on Feb 16, 2010 16:34:47 GMT -8
A man is sitting in a bar in Montana and far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass." Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?" "Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
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Post by aztecwin on Mar 9, 2010 12:32:27 GMT -8
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Post by aztecwin on Mar 9, 2010 14:13:55 GMT -8
A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini.." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini.. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
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Post by aztecwin on Apr 6, 2010 17:07:48 GMT -8
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Post by aztecwin on May 12, 2010 19:41:54 GMT -8
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. **********************
America needs Obama care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. **********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. **********************
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. **********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. **********************
On Halloween you put on a false face and trick people. This year Barack Obama went as - Barack Obama. **********************
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? .... America! **********************
If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
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Post by aztecwin on May 16, 2010 14:38:51 GMT -8
A Guide to the Nation's Newspapers
Here's how to keep all that political “news” in perspective...
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. However, they like statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
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Post by aztecwin on Jun 1, 2010 17:29:55 GMT -8
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? A: Let George Bush fix it! It’s his fault it’s dark anyway!
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Post by aztecwin on Jun 6, 2010 15:10:35 GMT -8
World's Shortest Books (Revised List) THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama ____________________________________________ MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS by Tiger Woods ____________________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Rev. Jeremiah Wright and President Barack Obama Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton ______________________________________
A COMPLETE LIST OF ALL THE REAL JOBS I'VE HELD by Barack Obama ______________________________________
MY BOOK OF VIRTUES by Joe Biden ____________________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. Jack Kevorkian __________________________________ TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ...... by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell __________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson _______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson _________________________________________ MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson _______________________________________ MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY by Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama
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Post by aztecwin on Jun 18, 2010 15:28:41 GMT -8
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it…Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.
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