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Jokes
Sept 12, 2015 9:33:16 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 12, 2015 9:33:16 GMT -8
John finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.
John gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."
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Jokes
Sept 19, 2015 7:06:52 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 19, 2015 7:06:52 GMT -8
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what, Martha?"
"What, dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
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Post by aztecwin on Sept 19, 2015 8:04:46 GMT -8
The Amazing Human Body **It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.** **One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.** **The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.** **Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.** **A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.** **There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.** **Women blink twice as often as men.** **The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.** **Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.** **If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.*** *_ **Women**_** **Will be finished reading this by now. *** *_ **Men**_** **Are still busy checking their thumbs.***
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2015 6:29:24 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 23, 2015 6:29:24 GMT -8
All About Adam Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."
"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."
Eve said, "A man! What's that?"
"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."
"Sounds great!" said Eve.
"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
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Jokes
Sept 25, 2015 12:00:23 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 25, 2015 12:00:23 GMT -8
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed . So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. ‘The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4" "5" (you'll love this…) At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC …..
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2015 6:00:18 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 26, 2015 6:00:18 GMT -8
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Jokes
Oct 4, 2015 12:59:56 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Oct 4, 2015 12:59:56 GMT -8
Finally, a good gun story A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife." A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2015 12:21:02 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Oct 7, 2015 12:21:02 GMT -8
Dear Airlines:
Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win -- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Donald Trump
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Jokes
Oct 11, 2015 15:00:21 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Oct 11, 2015 15:00:21 GMT -8
Finally a written breathalyzer test!
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2015 7:48:00 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Oct 13, 2015 7:48:00 GMT -8
I might have posted this before, but it got another laugh out of me.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.
The nun says, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. She responds, Well, let's see what we can do about that:#1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I'm single and Catholic! Okay, the nun says. Pull into the next alley.
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver suddenly starts crying. My dear child, says the nun, Why are you crying?
Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.
The nun says, That's Ok, my son. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
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Jokes
Oct 16, 2015 14:12:22 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Oct 16, 2015 14:12:22 GMT -8
Old and Cranky Perspective 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tinglylittle feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
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Jokes
Nov 1, 2015 7:35:24 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Nov 1, 2015 7:35:24 GMT -8
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Raise the toilet lid up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe her while you carry her towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid during the next few steps
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will quickly leave the toilet and run outside where he will dry herself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. Yours Sincerely, The Dog.
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Jokes
Nov 12, 2015 13:12:00 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Nov 12, 2015 13:12:00 GMT -8
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the $#!+ out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."
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Jokes
Nov 12, 2015 13:30:42 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Nov 12, 2015 13:30:42 GMT -8
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Jokes
Nov 14, 2015 9:55:10 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Nov 14, 2015 9:55:10 GMT -8
Golfer Surgery
golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, there is just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection I also get a splitting headache."
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Jokes
Nov 24, 2015 13:06:50 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Nov 24, 2015 13:06:50 GMT -8
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the... whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom.
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Jokes
Nov 26, 2015 8:20:23 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Nov 26, 2015 8:20:23 GMT -8
Retail business
Two young businessmen in Colorado were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left." Seniors..............don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
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Jokes
Dec 10, 2015 7:20:50 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Dec 10, 2015 7:20:50 GMT -8
THANK GOODNESS I DIDN'T SAY THAT! ...(aka: that's when the fight started)... My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then ...said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." ....And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand that, years and years ago, right after we broke up, he took to heavy drinking - and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ....And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, cleaning my guns, etc. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever, and sarcastic, way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." ....And that's when the fight started.... _____________________________ After breakfast, my wife did the dishes, did the laundry, made the bed, and did the ironing. By then, it was time for her to fix lunch. Then, after lunch... she did the dishes again... and finally came over and sat down next to me on the sofa... as I was flipping channels from one football game to another. "What's on TV?" she said. "Lots of dust." I replied. ....And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. With the anticipation of getting in some serious fishing most of the day...I hooked the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out and proceed on down the street. But, suddenly it started pouring down rain. Then the wind was blowing at least 50 mph. So, I turned around and pulled back into the driveway, turned on the truck's radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. So, I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's backside...now with a different kind of 'anticipation' on my mind. As I ran my hand on her hip... I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My wife replied, "Yeah... and, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" .....And that's when the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a chrome bathroom scale. ....And that's when the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. I waited in line for almost 2 hours. Finally, when my turn came... the woman behind the counter asked me for my Driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but if I had to go home and get my wallet... it would take a long, long time... and, I had already been waiting for over 2 hours. Believe it or not... the woman actually acted like she sympathized with me...and, after thinking for a couple of minutes...she said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing a lot of curly silver-gray hair on my chest. She said, 'That gray hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' ....And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me... "I feel horrible. I look old and wrinkled everywhere. This is most depressing. I really need you to pay me a compliment right now.' I replied, "Well...your eyesight's 20-20." ....And that's when the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning. What a crappy way to start the day! The driver got out of the other car, and...to my surprise... he was a DWARF!! He stomped up to me, looked up... and said... 'Hey, man... I'm NOT Happy!' So I said... 'Well, which one ARE you then?' ...And that's when the fight started..... ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next Christmas, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why I didn't give her a gift, I replied... "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" ....And that's when the fight started....
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Jokes
Dec 15, 2015 5:33:56 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Dec 15, 2015 5:33:56 GMT -8
Gun Permit GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY
In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection. When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad!
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Jokes
Dec 19, 2015 17:47:06 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Dec 19, 2015 17:47:06 GMT -8
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense" The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck." I had always wondered how this trend got started.
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