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Jul 4, 2015 6:56:29 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 4, 2015 6:56:29 GMT -8
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained. I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that? !?" I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..? Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time. The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the $#!+ storm that's coming. Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks! If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business! The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me......I had no idea I was Japanese. I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose? When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
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Jul 5, 2015 7:06:42 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 5, 2015 7:06:42 GMT -8
WE IS FROM THE SOUTH 31 Things That You Will Never Hear Southern Boys Say
Subject: 31 Things That You Will Never Hear Southern Boys Say 31. When I retire, I'm movin' north. 30. Oh I wouldn’t dare; she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime. 26. We don't keep no guns in this house. 25. You can't feed that to the dog. 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 23. Wrestling is fake. 22. We're vegetarians. 21. Do you think my gut is too big? 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 18. Who gives a sh** who won the Civil War? 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 14. Trim the fat off that steak. 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 12. The tires on that truck are too damn big. 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE. 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 8. I've got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl. 7. Checkmate! 6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini. 5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 4. I don't have a favorite football team. 3. Youse Guys. 2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign.
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Jul 14, 2015 14:23:07 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 14, 2015 14:23:07 GMT -8
This is pretty timely now that gays are going to be Scout Masters.
Dear Mom and Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gasoline on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent. Jimmy
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Jul 15, 2015 8:14:05 GMT -8
Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Jul 15, 2015 8:14:05 GMT -8
So you think that gay men are pedophiles? You are a sick bigot.
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Jul 15, 2015 9:34:04 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 15, 2015 9:34:04 GMT -8
So you think that gay men are pedophiles? You are a sick bigot. Just to keep you from deleting your post.
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Jul 15, 2015 15:49:20 GMT -8
Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Jul 15, 2015 15:49:20 GMT -8
So you think that gay men are pedophiles? You are a sick bigot. Just to keep you from deleting your post. I won't delete it. Actually, I thought the joke was funny but then you had to add your extra comment in the beginning.
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Jul 17, 2015 8:21:34 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 17, 2015 8:21:34 GMT -8
ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA? ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING? REALLY?!
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. A Brunette, by the way!!
SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 5 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 11. You can't remember who sent you this list. 12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
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Jul 20, 2015 14:13:28 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 20, 2015 14:13:28 GMT -8
HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said,'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________
My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels . She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Lots of dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. Â So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...
_______________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning . . . the start of a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started
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Jul 24, 2015 10:38:53 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 24, 2015 10:38:53 GMT -8
Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, SBI, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month!
Go Seniors!
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Aug 4, 2015 6:37:33 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 4, 2015 6:37:33 GMT -8
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Aug 5, 2015 5:58:01 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 5, 2015 5:58:01 GMT -8
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages . Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions: "First" , Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second" , he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third" , he said, "you can't never tell nobody about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Fourth" , Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last ," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.”
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Aug 5, 2015 14:58:12 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 5, 2015 14:58:12 GMT -8
Now this is not true but it is pretty funny
For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say have been stymied by that modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS'.. Although I consider myself fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research. After two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WW2 Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted! (1) Tokyo ,Japan 0800-September 1,1945 To: President Harry S Truman From: General D A MacArthur Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions? (2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945 To: D A MacArthur From: H S Truman Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct! (3) Tokyo , Japan 1630-September 1, 1945 To: H S Truman From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean? (4) Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945 To: D A MacArthur /C H Nimitz From: H S Truman Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of $#!+ by the clean end! Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means.....
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Aug 18, 2015 7:10:13 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 18, 2015 7:10:13 GMT -8
Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. ... I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room. The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you." I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest.....
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Aug 18, 2015 9:52:16 GMT -8
Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Aug 18, 2015 9:52:16 GMT -8
Win.. You are now posting (almost) duplicate jokes. It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter. A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?" The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."
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Aug 18, 2015 10:12:01 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 18, 2015 10:12:01 GMT -8
Win.. You are now posting (almost) duplicate jokes. Have you ever though of posting a joke for us to laugh at?
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Aug 21, 2015 15:58:46 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 21, 2015 15:58:46 GMT -8
Suthunuhs! Southerners know their summer weather report: Humidity Humidity Humidity ------------------------- Southerners know their vacation spots: The beach The rivuh The crick -------- Southerners know everybody's first name: Honey Darlin' Shugah -------- Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts: Fried Green Tomatoes Driving Miss Daisy Steel Magnolias Gone With The Wind ----------- Southerners know their religions: Bapdiss Methdiss Football -------------- Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Chawl'stn S'vanah Foat Wuth N'awlins Addlanna --------------- Southerners know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform Men in tuxedos Rhett Butler ----------------- Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall The Country Club The Beauty Salon -------------- Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails Having bad manners Cooking bad food
---------- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. _____ Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." _____ Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." _____ Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly." _____ Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. _____ All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. _____ Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'! _____ Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. _____ Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. _____ No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. _____ A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. _____ Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody! _____ Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. _____ In the South, “y'all” is singular, “all y'all” is plural. _____ Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. _____ Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain’t right without Tabasco , and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. _____ When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! _____ Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. _____ And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way. _____ To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! _____ And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff....bless your hearts, I hear they’re fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! _____ Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah ! There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north, nobody would buy the magazine! Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had a ‘been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.
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Aug 23, 2015 13:02:41 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 23, 2015 13:02:41 GMT -8
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, " Bastards won't let me fart."
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Sept 1, 2015 9:04:24 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 1, 2015 9:04:24 GMT -8
African Aeronautical Engineering This is worth a laugh, I think I am related to Gabriel. www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVqQKF7xgTQHalf a million Shillings poured into this project? This guy has made another 3 attempts that all failed...now seeks aeronautical consultation. Don't blame the guy for trying... www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybgQJlYRrZs watch this guy from Zimbabwe with a Helicopter build? These guys crack me up but with their limited resources can't get aircraft off the ground? They are looking for sponsors???
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2015 10:20:06 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 8, 2015 10:20:06 GMT -8
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2015 13:50:39 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 11, 2015 13:50:39 GMT -8
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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