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Post by aztecwin on Apr 29, 2014 12:21:20 GMT -8
His Lordship was in the study at Downtown Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my lord?" "Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
"What word is that?" said his lordship. "Aplomb”, my lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused." "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
”I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”
”Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”
”I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”
”While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”
Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage His thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”
”That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.”
”Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”
“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling is your prick still throbbing?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!”
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Jokes
Apr 30, 2014 17:02:11 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 30, 2014 17:02:11 GMT -8
London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. The Irish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye did nae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says, "Ye still did nae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huv te come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.... The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living $#!+ out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Jokes
May 1, 2014 19:22:48 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 1, 2014 19:22:48 GMT -8
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
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Jokes
May 13, 2014 12:00:03 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 13, 2014 12:00:03 GMT -8
Ole the Norwegian Wrestler
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.? Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen..
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
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Jokes
May 19, 2014 11:23:44 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 19, 2014 11:23:44 GMT -8
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said.. 'Then, why do you even give a $#!+?
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Jokes
May 19, 2014 15:54:08 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 19, 2014 15:54:08 GMT -8
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Catholic Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Lutheran Church across the road.
One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say
Bridge out
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Jokes
May 21, 2014 12:56:06 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 21, 2014 12:56:06 GMT -8
Several days after President Obama was re-elected, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Bill Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a golden urinal. The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent... even for a guy like me!"
Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom. Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
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May 22, 2014 13:07:08 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on May 22, 2014 13:07:08 GMT -8
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home and I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
And then you show up and drink the whole thing down in one gulp! But, hey, enough about me, how are you doing?"
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Post by aztecwin on Jun 14, 2014 7:23:34 GMT -8
Lawyers & Cigars
This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'. NOW FOR THE BEST PART
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest. ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER MUCH OF THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE ARE NUTS.....
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Jul 19, 2014 14:30:32 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jul 19, 2014 14:30:32 GMT -8
Old Man Surgery A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor "We're getting granite counter tops."
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Jokes
Aug 3, 2014 10:59:08 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 3, 2014 10:59:08 GMT -8
These are new blonde jokes and are about the best I've seen! ENJOY!!!!!!! DISNEYLAND Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2014 6:02:06 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Aug 23, 2014 6:02:06 GMT -8
I believe this is the best one, yet, for "not messing with old people."
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Jokes
Sept 7, 2014 12:22:01 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 7, 2014 12:22:01 GMT -8
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you damned proud to be an American, doesn't it?!
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2014 13:06:18 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 8, 2014 13:06:18 GMT -8
I might have posted this somewhere before. Got no response the first time so just so they know the trade offer is still good, here it is again.
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2014 15:09:04 GMT -8
Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Sept 8, 2014 15:09:04 GMT -8
I might have posted this somewhere before. Got no response the first time so just so they know the trade offer is still good, here it is again. Keep your political "stuff" on the political boards.
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Jokes
Sept 18, 2014 12:43:22 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Sept 18, 2014 12:43:22 GMT -8
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2014 11:45:43 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Oct 21, 2014 11:45:43 GMT -8
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where's your Ferrari?
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Jokes
Oct 27, 2014 16:15:47 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Oct 27, 2014 16:15:47 GMT -8
JEWISH MOTHER The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.' 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?' Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.' 'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.' So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States? The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.' Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor'. *************************************************************************** ITALIAN MOTHER Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?' Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. ' 'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? ' Mama replies: 'I don't like her.' =
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Dec 2, 2014 5:58:55 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Dec 2, 2014 5:58:55 GMT -8
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Feb 20, 2015 13:26:32 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 20, 2015 13:26:32 GMT -8
50 Shades of Golf Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well, you know, she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’...... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So— Here I am!
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