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Jokes
Jan 20, 2017 14:53:58 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jan 20, 2017 14:53:58 GMT -8
----------------------------- Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
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Jokes
Jan 23, 2017 5:59:04 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jan 23, 2017 5:59:04 GMT -8
Cajun Confession Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?" Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole." Priest: "Well, that's not so bad." Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left." Priest: "What did you do with it?" Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse." Priest: "OK, anything else?" Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage." Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand." Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left." Priest: "Yes?" Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom." Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?" Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
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Jokes
Jan 23, 2017 7:04:44 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jan 23, 2017 7:04:44 GMT -8
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
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Jokes
Jan 25, 2017 18:55:46 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jan 25, 2017 18:55:46 GMT -8
I am starting to like my Chinese health advisor more each day.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
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Jokes
Jan 28, 2017 11:16:58 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jan 28, 2017 11:16:58 GMT -8
One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone. "Oh, no", Ole protested. "I vas only doing tirty Officer." "No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop. "Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty", Ole replied stubbornly. "Well", bellowed the cop, "I clocked you doing FIFTY!" At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2017 7:28:37 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jan 29, 2017 7:28:37 GMT -8
The Old Texas Rancher The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' Don't ever underestimate old guys.
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2017 9:25:50 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Jan 29, 2017 9:25:50 GMT -8
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
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Jokes
Feb 4, 2017 10:08:11 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 4, 2017 10:08:11 GMT -8
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2017 10:33:20 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 5, 2017 10:33:20 GMT -8
More sage advice from my Chinese Dr/Advisor. I would tell all where to find him but I am afraid it would make getting appointments with him impossible. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2017 11:09:09 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 5, 2017 11:09:09 GMT -8
Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2017 14:31:27 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 5, 2017 14:31:27 GMT -8
A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.” Donald is moving into the White House.
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Jokes
Feb 6, 2017 16:40:50 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 6, 2017 16:40:50 GMT -8
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the 19th hole. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $3.00 HAMBURGER: $5.00 CHEESEBURGER: $6.00 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $6.50 HAND-JOB: $25.00 <image001.jpeg> Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons the attractive bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?” The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here? She looks into his wrinkled eyes, and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I certainly am.” The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really well, because I want the cheeseburger.”
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Jokes
Feb 14, 2017 10:09:41 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 14, 2017 10:09:41 GMT -8
----------------------------- Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'." The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "
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Jokes
Feb 16, 2017 17:54:05 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 16, 2017 17:54:05 GMT -8
--------------------------- Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes. Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven? Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet! Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2017 7:18:11 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 17, 2017 7:18:11 GMT -8
A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said my boy's a typical Highland baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.." The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." Them Scots!
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2017 8:40:02 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 17, 2017 8:40:02 GMT -8
And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
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Jokes
Feb 19, 2017 8:20:38 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 19, 2017 8:20:38 GMT -8
--------------------------------- Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, "We better mark dis spot so ve can come back tomorrow and catch more fish." Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large 'X'. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish. Ole said, " Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going ta get da same boat tomorrow?"
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Jokes
Feb 21, 2017 7:59:27 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 21, 2017 7:59:27 GMT -8
-------------------------------- Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat , he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish. Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone. Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone. Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?". Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2017 16:49:22 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 24, 2017 16:49:22 GMT -8
Some people miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humor.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea . ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------------- My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------- A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------- Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!" ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. He asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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Jokes
Feb 25, 2017 7:31:32 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 25, 2017 7:31:32 GMT -8
Irish Divorce The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. ; “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. ; “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!” ; “Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. ; “Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation…………." "She never got your email!” ; (Probably a democrat!)
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