|
Post by aztecwin on May 29, 2010 15:34:57 GMT -8
JEWISH GOLFER
One day a Jewish man went to a golf course where they advertised they could provide a caddies of all types and could cater for special needs.
When he arrived he advised the Caddy Master he wanted a caddy who could work Jewish style.
This surprised the Caddy master, he had never had such a request before, Lefties, half blind, lame, slicers etc.,yes, all types, but never Jewish.
Nevertheless, he called the boys and asked if anybody could help out. After a long silence, a new caddy sitting in the corner said he could.
On the way to the first tee the boy said "I really do not know how to caddy Jewish style, but being new, I wanted to impress the other boys, if you show me how I will do it for half price".
The man replied..."you learn fast...".
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on May 31, 2010 6:53:56 GMT -8
PLAYING FROM THE ROUGH
Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel and sunken stones.
The owner of the ball ask his friend: " Do you mind if I have a drop, I cannot play from here, it's too rough"
" No, I'm sorry, but you play from where you lie!"
" But I'm going to destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel."
" Tough, but no favours, you play from where you lie."
The poor chap stops arguing and take his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again.
Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup.
" My God, what a shot!... which club did you use?" " Your five iron..."
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on May 31, 2010 7:12:24 GMT -8
The Secret to Long Life...
A doctor on his morning walk noticed a wrinkled up old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have lots of sex, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Twenty-four," she replied.
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jun 20, 2010 12:06:17 GMT -8
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bud. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Suzy.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Suzy to get a
full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the
health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club
about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on
the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating
out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that
door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Suzy. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use
a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Bud
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Bud died suddenly on May 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing,
and a sledge hammer laying nearby. The Driver will require new grip -
otherwise undamaged. His wife Suzy was arrested and charged with
murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Bud, somehow without looking, accidentally sat
down on his golf club.
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jun 21, 2010 15:53:52 GMT -8
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while,the little boy said: "you've got yourself a deal"
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said,
"You just keep pulling on that rope.
It'll come back to ya.
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jun 27, 2010 10:35:17 GMT -8
God works in mysterious ways
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
he left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!"
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jun 27, 2010 10:43:49 GMT -8
Fried chicken
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jun 27, 2010 10:49:44 GMT -8
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jun 28, 2010 15:42:19 GMT -8
Take my rear to jail --
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virgina State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him..
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, 'cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 4, 2010 11:18:03 GMT -8
While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.
|
|
|
Post by bio71 on Jul 6, 2010 18:51:14 GMT -8
A Cow, An Ant And An Old Fart
A cow an ant and an old fart are debating who is the greatest one among the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 50 liters of milk every day, and that's why I'm the greatest!" The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" . . . . . .
. . . . . Why are scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
|
|
|
Post by AztecTom on Jul 6, 2010 21:18:53 GMT -8
You had me fooled with the title aztecwin, I thought you were talking about that clown obama.
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 8, 2010 18:17:10 GMT -8
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ...
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God.
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 8, 2010 18:19:29 GMT -8
This is so funny. Would love to have seen the cop’s face.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Clarksburg, WV after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test...
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
*I doubt it,* said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 9, 2010 13:20:42 GMT -8
Wait time for a Haircut
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber, who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house."
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 9, 2010 13:23:13 GMT -8
The Doctor Visit for a Colonoscopy
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me,
I sat down.
While waiting, I observed there were three
items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer .
When the doctor finally came in, I said,
"Look, Doc, this is my first exam, and
I'm a little confused.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Paul became noticeably
outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse,
"Darn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT ! "
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 11, 2010 11:54:24 GMT -8
A guy and his wife make an unannounced visit to the dentist. "Doc!" says the guy, "Ya gotta help! Got this horrible toothache and I'm due on the golf course in 20 minutes. The course is 10 minutes away."
"All right," says the dentist, "let me get the novacaine and we'll see what we can do."
"No way, Doc. Novacaine takes too long to work."
"Well, I can't use gas. You'll be out for an hour." says the dentist.
"Just pull the damned thing. I don't care how much it hurts." says the golfer.
"Okay. If that's the way you want it. Just sit back in the chair and show me which tooth." says the dentist.
"Hon." says the guy...."Show the doc that bad tooth."
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 18, 2010 6:24:40 GMT -8
I just came out of a supermarket ...
... shopping for my dinner. Got a bucket of fried chicken, French fries, ice cream, large chips, and a 12-pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat there and said: 'I've not eaten for two days.'
I told him: 'I wish I had your will power.'
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 25, 2010 14:47:47 GMT -8
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of
cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert
don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage
that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling
close behind, when suddenly a machine gun
opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush..."
|
|
|
Post by aztecwin on Jul 25, 2010 15:05:13 GMT -8
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
|
|