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Jokes
Feb 20, 2015 14:13:52 GMT -8
Post by AlwaysAnAztec on Feb 20, 2015 14:13:52 GMT -8
^^^^^ ROFL ^^^^^
Best thing you've posted in a year!!!
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2015 16:40:03 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 24, 2015 16:40:03 GMT -8
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" "Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2015 20:43:46 GMT -8
via mobile
Post by johneaztec on Feb 24, 2015 20:43:46 GMT -8
Thanks, and keep em comin Win!!!!!
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Jokes
Feb 25, 2015 17:23:21 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Feb 25, 2015 17:23:21 GMT -8
There's two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood-alcohol content. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog; get one flea. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because when I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, he told me I have "Schiffer Brains." No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, tattoos and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up; you don't know where it's been! Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
27. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America? When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just go "chunky dunking." I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over? Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2015 11:02:04 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 18, 2015 11:02:04 GMT -8
True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the outburst. "My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?" "Because he's thinking of getting married"
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2015 8:06:14 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 19, 2015 8:06:14 GMT -8
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex ?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for ?
Tarzan replied: 'Check for squirrel.'
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2015 4:55:34 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 20, 2015 4:55:34 GMT -8
I only put thing here that I think are funny. Does anyone else have a sense of humor? Or what I pass off as a sense of humor?
A Retired Person's Perspective: 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed. 4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body. 6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row. 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan? 10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2015 5:32:18 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 23, 2015 5:32:18 GMT -8
One day Stan accidentally overturned his golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's Stan , and I’m Okay thanks," he replied. "Stan , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive.... Stan was weak. "Well okay," he finally agreed, and added, "but my wife. won't like it." After a restorative Dewar’s scotch, and some creative putting lessons, he thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be. really upset."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" he said....
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2015 7:59:30 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 24, 2015 7:59:30 GMT -8
Spray Glue OK… you better be watching this in a place where you can laugh out loud!! Ya gotta love the Brits. If ya don't laugh at this one, check and see if ya got a pulse. www.youtube.com/embed/tjJc8xLYhak
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Jokes
Mar 27, 2015 13:57:59 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 27, 2015 13:57:59 GMT -8
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8 Life is sexually transmitted. #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2015 12:00:59 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Mar 30, 2015 12:00:59 GMT -8
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes; one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping in 25 minutes for 25 relatives at noon on December 24. Men Are Just Happier People Cont:
NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!
MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! So, send this to women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ..... and to men who will enjoy reading it.
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Jokes
Apr 4, 2015 20:21:07 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 4, 2015 20:21:07 GMT -8
While on a road trip, an elderly couple,
Stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve
her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
This coming week is National Senior
Mental Health Week.
You can do YOUR part
By remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior
to show you care..
I have now done MY part.
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2015 14:35:25 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 8, 2015 14:35:25 GMT -8
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them. Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time." Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor. Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home. Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2015 15:02:52 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 11, 2015 15:02:52 GMT -8
Off To The Pharmacy One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket, takes out a small bottle and teaspoon then lays them on the counter. “Could you taste this for me please," he asks the pharmacist? Being a senior citizen, the pharmacist went along, taking the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid, puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around and with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup. “Now does that taste sweet to you.” says the old man? The pharmacist said to the old man. “No--Not at all- Tastes a little salty!” “Oh that's a relief”, said the old man, “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar”.
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Jokes
Apr 17, 2015 9:06:59 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 17, 2015 9:06:59 GMT -8
A MALE FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
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Jokes
Apr 17, 2015 14:01:39 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 17, 2015 14:01:39 GMT -8
Idle Thoughts Wandering through a Retiree's Mind I had amnesia once --- maybe twice.
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height-- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Jokes
Apr 22, 2015 10:39:31 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 22, 2015 10:39:31 GMT -8
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her. The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job.” “Take your wife and go home". The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home" Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair." ....................................................
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Jokes
Apr 22, 2015 17:08:39 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 22, 2015 17:08:39 GMT -8
You need a sense of humor to work in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.
MY PRIVATE PART DIED:
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2015 9:53:15 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 24, 2015 9:53:15 GMT -8
SLEEPING WITH BOB
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom.
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Jokes
Apr 28, 2015 11:44:18 GMT -8
Post by aztecwin on Apr 28, 2015 11:44:18 GMT -8
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